this just has baby written all over it
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
