Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Blood and glitter go together right?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
