So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
