had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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