we'll go far in life on tits alone.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
