Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I think my fart just growled at me.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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