Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
