i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
