I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
