I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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