My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
