May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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