Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
