needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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