Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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