whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
