you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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