my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
