did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
