my phone needs a breathalizer
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My dad is sitting where you rode me
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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