Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
