i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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