she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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