i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
