How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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