We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
