this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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