y did u give ur computer a hand job?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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