Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
