tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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