I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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