She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
