Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize