she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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