he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
