if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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