I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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