dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
