Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
