I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
