I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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