Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
