Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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