Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Apparently you make a good broom.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
