I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
