I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
whose parrot is this?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
