my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
