My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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