i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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