After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Ladies don't puke and tell
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
