I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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