You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
