My underwear smells like fireworks.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Randomize
