i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
false alarm, still single
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
