When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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