Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
