These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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