I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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